Around this time 3 years ago, I was in a closet in Brampton crying my eyes out. Angry, sad and scared because I wanted to die again. I haven't spoken to my dad ever since because that day made me realized I wasn't as strong as I thought. At 20 years old his abuse could still make me crumble and I only got as far as I did because I had a partner who was there for me. She always was, and I returned the favour by emotionally abusing her.
My greatest magic trick yet has to be rising (on-going) of the depression that ensued when she realized I ain't shit. It all happened in the same week. My dad's outburst, the break up, and my birthday. I stopped eating, went on hours long jogs, and closed my eyes to run into traffic a couple times but I couldn't die. I'd open my eyes confused, wondering why I haven't been hit yet and saw that the light had changed, perfectly timed. Obviously there's a god, probably my grand mother watching over me annoyed at this over grown baby putting himself and other people in danger just to be dramatic and extra.
I had a lot of time to think while I was trying to starve myself and run to exhaustion. Why won't I die was a big one. And then I did this thing that I've seen myself do before, where I convince myself that I can't. It's a survival thing that happens to me in very dark times where I come to what feels like an epiphany: I become convinced that I'm a prisoner of life that has to fulfil a purpose and if I die before I do, I'll just be back here again. I already had a strong feeling of my purpose, but I was never ready enough to start. But now I had to work on ONYX to distract myself from the depression I was spiralling deeper and deeper into.
Today as I decided to take the time to post the pictures from my 25th birthday I thought to myself. In 2014 from mid July to mid August everything around me came crashing down. 3 years later I'm celebrating, ONYX, LOUD and LIFE. I still have my highs and lows, but bringing LOUD into reality makes me happy in a mystical way.
I'm so thankful to my family and friends. Thanks for coming to celebrate with me. Thanks for putting your good energies into my life. Thanks for blessing me as I turn 25 and charging me up with more than enough positivity for the journeys ahead.
Below is a gift I made: it's a mix I made with partially finished accompanying visuals starring my amazingly talented sisters and cousin (Melissa, Melina Cassius, Melanie). Hope you enjoy it, I mostly made it to take time practicing my creativity and also bring together music I really like right now.
And now without further ado here are the pictures from the LOUD party taken by @DevenaeBryce